Letter #7: Creative Fear & the Inner Critic

Goa, 21 August 2022 Dear friend,

How has August been for you so far? This month, I applied to be a conference speaker for the very first time. And I got shortlisted as well! I’ll get to know by Wednesday this week if I’m actually selected to speak. But even the shortlist feels like a really big deal because the process was two-fold and I got to spend a lot of time revisiting some of my own work. Yesterday, as the final step in the selection process, I had to prepare & read out my entire talk in front of the conference co-founder. While I was preparing I kept getting interrupted by my Inner Critic.

(This is what it looks like in my case - a strict librarian, which might be a common one for many. Have you ever tried visualising your inner critic? Give it a shot!)

Anyway, so my Inner Critic, nasty as ever, was saying things like:

“Maybe your pitch was good, but this talk is turning out too lame.” “Remember the embarrassing time you forgot your words on stage?” “You really think you’re qualified enough to be giving this talk?” “And.. You don’t even look old enough for people to take you seriously.”

But well, I did it. I got over the jitters & read out my talk to this guy who was judging me.

My Inner Critic didn’t suddenly vanish. Infact, it was right there with me till 1 second before the video call started. Waiting to see if I chicken out. But I DID IT because of what I’ve learnt about Creative Fear over the course of 2 years, 80 artworks and 7 letters.

Yesterday, I could really feel the impact of how these 2 projects (Vaccines for Fear & Brain Food) have changed how I experience the creative process. And for this month’s letter to you, I wanted to zoom out to reflect on & share the 3 biggest learnings that have led to this.

First: Fear is a Friend

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Not the smartest friend you’ll have, and often over-protective, but an old friend with good intentions anyway. Fear is absolutely essential for our survival. This emotion is a self-protective biological response coming from the amygdala - that part of the brain which detects and makes us move against any possibility of danger.

he Fear of physical harm is easily understood, right. Let’s say you have a memory of falling badly from a bike. Your amygdala will make sure that you’re very alert, or even anxious, the next time you’re about to ride one. And we really need that for our safety. It works the same way for fear of emotional harm. That’s why we feel anxious before meeting someone who’s been unpleasant to us in the past.

The amygdala is doing its job to save us from stressors like “uncertainty”, “change” or “struggle”.

But guess what! These same 3 factors, which signal danger to the brain, are also present in every healthy challenge that we face. That’s why, to this primitive part of our brain, sometimes a creative leap can feel as dangerous as an actual leap into a deep river.

Like all other emotions, fear is basically information. Because it occurs impulsively, it’s up to us to pause & evaluate that information in the context of our challenge, and then act accordingly.

So, like me, if you’ve ever forgotten your words on stage and felt embarrassed in the past, your amygdala will definitely try to “save” you from a repeat of that situation and stop you from going on stage ever again. It’s then up to us to tell our friend - “hey, relax. I got this. It’s a challenge I now feel ready to take up.”

And that brings me to my second learning…

Second: Creative fear is a learned reflex that we can unlearn.

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In this hierarchy of fears below, the ones at the base - relating to bodily harm & death, have survival value for all human beings.

As we move up the pyramid, we see fears which only develop in us based on our negative life experiences. And guess what… creative fear is a type of Ego-Death, which sits at the absolute top. Think about it… No 3 year old child with a Lego set in front of them would ever say - “Oh I’m not feeling inspired.” “My multi-colour tower isn’t good enough.” “I need to learn more before I can play with these blocks.” These are things we only start feeling after we’ve experienced a certain level of judgement and criticism in life. It starts after only selected kids in class get labelled “creative” because they can draw. It starts after we’re evaluated negatively on subjects that just don’t suit our aptitude. After we’re laughed at for a new outfit, which we actually felt authentic in. Or even after we’re called “gifted” and then start feeling the pressure to continuously perform well without error. We learn to fear failure after we experience the humiliation, shame or disapproval that can come with it. These feelings are characteristic of Ego Death and this fear really stifles creative thinking. It makes us stick to what’s been tried, tested and pre-approved in our own eyes and in the eyes of others. And that’s not something wrong. The desire to feel capable & worthy is just human nature. We want to feel successful but the problem is that, when we’re on autopilot, we’re driven by other people’s definition of success. We need to take out the time to set our own definition of success and let go of comparison. Easier said than done, right? In my case, seeing my actions as experiments lets me figure out what I want to count as a successful or failed venture. And it also lets me see failure as feedback, instead of feeling shameful about it. The world of design thinking has been encouraging us to do this for decades. And increasingly, design, tech and business teams who’ve embraced this mindset have also been sharing updates from their experiment labs with us.

I. love. this. And I’m trying to remind myself every single day to embrace this attitude at an individual level too. Changing my Instagram handle to @the_experimentor was one part of this. But a better example is how I’ve changed my approach to writing - Some of you know that I want to make a whole book on this topic of creative fear. But that’s a really big task, and the little perfectionist inner critic in my head would make me think: “I have to write a best-selling book, because otherwise what’s the point?”. So when I start seeing the process as an experiment, it let’s me think: “I wonder what will happen if I write a book?” or even “What’ll happen if I write one article a month?” Which is what I’m doing now, with the Brain Food letters! :) The whole idea of an experiment is to just allow ourselves to do things, and be accepting of the positive, negative and neutral outcomes. It allows us to replace judgement with curiosity. And to replace Fear with Wisdom. And that goes a long way in building the courage that we need to keep creating, to evolve into whatever we want to be next and to freak out a little less along the way.

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Third: To be creative, remember to act & remember to rest.

While “Vaccines for Fear” started with creating antidotes for fear, I ended up becoming friends with fear instead. And this allowed me to notice how every mindblock doesn’t come from a place of fear that I need to push myself to overcome. On some days, I’m just plain exhausted. Being creative isn't just about the end-product, it’s also about the process we adopt. It’s about pausing and breathing in new energy. About sometimes letting things just brew on the backburner. About stepping away from things, to come back later with a fresh lens. About passive rest and also about active rejuvenation. It’s about refueling our pool of inspiration and ideas. Taking a break to learn something new. Curating the media diet that our mind consumes. Listening to something that just “feels good”, no explanation needed. What we find restful is just as unique as our creative styles. My current favourite is napping with lo-fi music in the background. But sometimes - even watching loud reels at the end of a long day helps me feel better. You know best what rest looks like for you. And it doesn’t have to match anyone else’s idea of it! 🌸 At the end of the day, mindblocks are as much a part of the process as creative output. And I hope that the next time you feel creatively blocked, you can scan your thoughts and see what lies beneath. To help with that, I’ll leave you with these 3 questions to ask yourself in the face of a mindblock…

​Can I sense some fear of failure? If yes, Give yourself permission to experiment.

Is this really too difficult for me? If yes, please remember that you don’t have to do hard things alone. Ask an expert. Collaborate. Learn till it gets easier.

Am I physically or mentally tired? If yes, Please let yourself rest. Whether it means winding down, or jumping new experiences. Go back to whatever it is that fuels you, and your pool of inspiration.

…. I hope this letter has been one of those things for you.

Take care, and see you again soon!

Love,

Nishita

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