Letter #3: On money mind-blocks

Goa, 27 March 2022

Dear friend,

How has March been for you? This month, it’s taken me much longer to write this letter to you, because of the topic I picked and my own challenges with articulating it. You see, “money mind-blocks” are something that I’ve not written about so far in Vaccines For Fear. I don’t know what your relationship with money is like. I also don't know what part of this topic means more for you. And all these “I-don’t-know”s made it even more difficult for me to write. Last week, at the peak of my struggle with words, I abandoned the topic altogether. But..

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I know this challenging conversation is also an important one for creatives to have.

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And so, I came back to it.

This kind of mind block has definitely affected my creative journey and I’m sure you have some opinion on it as well. So.. consider today’s letter an incomplete one. Just the start of a conversation where I share my side of the story. And as always, I invite you to add to it by sharing your thoughts, challenges and learning to it :) 💭⌛ For as long as I can remember, I’ve held onto the label of a “creative person” over everything else. And for just as long, I’ve also held this belief that creativity and money JUST. DONT. MIX. My inner critic viewed money as a threat to my creativity… and this was fueled by the many voices and opinions I heard around me. As a developing-creative, the key messages that I picked up from society & culture sounded like this: “Great art comes from struggle” [Historic narratives of the broke and miserable genius, like Van Gogh, are still all around us] “Creative work is not about money, only about passion and respect for the craft” [In my opinion, a toxic belief fed to students by the industry so we could be hired for dirt-cheap starting-salaries.] “Don’t sell-out, desk-jobs kill creativity” [Built on the generalisation of individual anecdotes, as well as a holier-than-thou mindset about how others should practice their creativity] “Creatives shouldn’t be salesy or promotional” [A combination, or rather result, of all of the above statements. Shh, don’t talk about your work. Beauty lies in the eyes of the viewer. Leave it to them to interpret and determine the meaning. Bah!] And the very generic one… “Money is evil and rich people are corrupt” [If you’ve also grown up hearing news of sibling-rivalries over property & large-scale scams by those driven by greed instead of necessity… it’ll be easy for you to get where this comes from] All these statements are what a financial therapist would call ‘unhelpful money memories’. (I love the simplicity of the term, and yes - financial therapy is a real niche, which I only got to know about a few days back). We pick up all these money-beliefs from friends, family & society without even realising it, and sometimes hold onto these opinions for sooo long that they start feeling like unchangeable facts instead.

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These messages get integrated into our belief system and subconsciously drive our decision-making.

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Left unaddressed, they can override all our conscious intentions and make it feel like we’re struggling to achieve any progress at all. In my case, they’d started pushing me into a life of voluntary and totally unnecessary discomfort. For example, as a freelancer, the reasonable thing would be to learn how to negotiate with clients. But the money-blocks made me avoid any discussion on this, and I mostly took up projects for whatever the client was willing to pay. I still made money because I did A LOT of work. And because I was good at saving, I also had money in the bank. But my money-blocks again made me feel guilty for having it when others didn’t. I ended up loaning lakhs to a friend for his struggling-business in 2019, which I still haven’t received back. (No matter how ridiculous this sounds, I’m not kidding) In the process, I lost respect for my friend & also for myself for taking that decision. The discomfort with having money in the beginning continues to cause discomfort for not having it anymore! It’s easy to dismiss this as crazy-behaviour which shouldn’t have happened in the first place. But here’s the interesting thing. Venture capitalist & financial journalist Morgan Housel writes in his book ‘Psychology of Money’:

“People do some crazy things with money. But no one is crazy. Everyone has their own unique experience with how the world works. And what you’ve experienced is more compelling than what you learn second-hand.”

None of this sounds rational but this topic is, at the end of a day, a very emotionally-charged one. Money is more about psychology than about know-how. And to be honest, knowing that is a source of relief to me. 😛 As with all-things-emotional, I know that that it’s possible to work our way through it. As always… We start by acknowledging that we’re blocked. (Which is a long and on-going process in itself.) We maintain curiosity and compassion for ourselves. (No shaming ourselves as we realise our very-human mistakes.) And we work on developing new empowering beliefs. (Which is the most interesting part for me right now…) Over the last 2 years, I’ve tried to step out of my echo-chamber and started talking to different kinds of people about money. Where I would earlier dismiss their opinions because “oh you don’t get what it’s like to live a creative life”, I have started listening openly and evaluating what might actually make sense for me. I’ve started paying more attention to all the good that people are doing with their money, it blows my mind! I’ve been reading about both the mindset & skill involved in managing my personal finance. I finally have investments & I work with a professional financial-planner (which I earlier thought was something only super-high-networth-individuals do). Of course, being surrounded by inspiring creativepreneurs helps!

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I’m finally starting to see how creativity can co-exist with and be further enabled by money.

First - Financial security frees up mental bandwidth for me to create.

When I stopped freelancing & took up a job in July 2020, I exchanged flexibility of time with routine, and the responsibilities of a one-woman-business with that of a team player. Whether these switch-ups are good or bad - that’s purely subjective and varies for each person at different points of time in life. (A separate conversation which I’m happy to have if you like!)

However, at this point of time in life for me, this switch has brought me a ton of mental bandwidth and a certain peace of mind. It allows me to explore new directions in my personal project at my own pace, do the things which “feel right” to me and push my own boundaries as a creative, without fear of client-approvals and invoice-clearances (which is ironically still a big part of my day-job).

Second - Money is a vote of confidence in my creative work.

Dollar-voting, anybody? The term is obviously coined in an American context, but is universally applicable I feel. It refers to an individual’s ability to shape a marketplace with their purchasing behaviour. So when someone buys my prints, or subscriber to this paid series of letters, I see it as a vote of confidence in the work I’m creating. It signals that you get an intangible kind of value from it, and that I should create more of it. (Artists need validation. Everyone does. Period.)

In a world of free newsletters, the Brain Food letter-series has a sign-up fee of INR 120 for 12 months. (Can you tell how basic this calculation was?) It's a small amount of money, but a very BIG vote in favour of my creativity. I know you’ve thought about it for a few minutes, decided you like my work and then made the transaction. And that means the world for my creative-confidence.

Third - Happy expenses can fuel my creativity.

No, not the kind of ‘happy’ where I buy jazzy sneakers to show others I can afford them. I’m talking about the kind of ‘happy’ where I realise I can now spend on objects & experiences which motivate and nurture my creative self.

Since January 2022, I’ve started tracking what I call my “happy expenses”. This is the money I spend on my wellbeing, hobbies and gifts for friends. Rs. 500 spent on petrol feels very different from Rs. 500 spent on sending my friend some local masalas as a house-warming gift. While the former is unavoidable, the latter is a choice and I’m so happy that I don’t have to think twice before making it.

My biggest recurring expense in this category is regular therapy sessions. I adore my therapist, she helps me get better at life so that I get better at art too and I want to be able to afford her. OH and it helps that she follows & loves Vaccines For Fear :P

Finally.. Fourth - I can support other creatives!

Supporting a creative doesn’t always have to cost money. Word-of-mouth is free and we must promote each other both online & offline. But honestly, that only goes so far. We can hope that someone else will see our shared-post and buy their product or services.

In mid-February, an Instagram-friend (who’s an insanely talented photographer) announced that they’ve been selected for a climate leadership program in Antarctica, and they needed to crowd-fund 1/4th of their expedition cost. Of course I shared the post on my stories and wrote a few personalised lines, hoping that more people would see it. But contributing money for the journey made me feel way closer to it and soothed a bit of my eco -anxiety in the process.

Similarly, many nonprofits need BOTH time from volunteers & money from donors to make real onground impact. Being able to support the causes I believe in brings me an overall sense of well being and optimism - two feelings which are fundamental for me to do what I do.

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Working on all mind blocks, including those related to money, is always an on-going process. Even after thinking and writing about them week after week, they creep up on me.

But awareness is the name of the game.

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If we can identify that we’re operating under the force of a sneaky mind block, we can always hope to overcome it by making constructive choices more consciously. 🌞 An Invitation to Reflect…

Before I sign off…

I LOVE receiving your replies. My inbox is always open to your thoughts – about this letter, about my creative project, about YOUR creative project and all things creative.

If you don’t want to receive these emails, for any reason, please feel comfortable hitting ‘unsubscribe’ in the footer. No hard feelings!

Take care of yourself :)

Love,

Nishita